Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
