Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize