You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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