Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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