A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
