Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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