The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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