i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
