Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
