so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Are my feet made of real feet?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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