My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
