I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
