hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
