a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
