my shit smells like andre
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
