I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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