There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
