I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
