Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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