dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
