3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize