i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
