Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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