my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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