She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
