Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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