So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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