Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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