I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
