I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
