My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
