Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
