At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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