Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
