Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
