take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
