I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I checked into jail on foursquare
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
