Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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