i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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