well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
