Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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