It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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