i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
