glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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