I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize