Non-Jews are for practice
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
