I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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