I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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