great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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