I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
