I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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