I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
