She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
