We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
