There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
