he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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